Fat Guys in Speedos

Don’t go there, there are other places in Thailand that are much nicer, but if you go, by all means, avoid Patong Beach, it’s dirty, tacky and seedy, and all you see there are fat guys in speedos. That’s the kind of advice I’ve been getting from friends and colleagues when they found out that we were considering going to Phuket for the long weekend. The internet is full of negative stories about Phuket; supposedly it's full of people trying to rip you off, others trying to scam you, the beaches are dirty, bars and accommodation are overpriced, yada, yada, yada. Many travellers that we met in Thailand also advised us to avoid going there, telling us it just wasn’t worth the trip and that we would be disappointed. Well, that's all I needed to hear. We went to Phuket, and what's more, we went to Patong Beach to boot.

First of all, being a practising Starbucks Cup collector, and a fundamentalist one at that, I had purchased the Phuket Starbucks Cup last year, knowing that one day I would go to Phuket.  So a pilgrimage to Phuket to validate and subsequently sanctify the already purchased cup became a necessity. You see, according to the strict sacrosanct precepts of the Church of Starbuck Cup Collectors (CSCC), buying a city Starbucks Cup without having been to that city would be sacrilegious and completely against the principles and doctrine of the CSCC.  I know, I know, I should not have bought that cup before actually being in Phuket, but what the heck, it's part of living on the edge.

Secondly, as I get older and not necessarily wiser, that rebel gene in me seems to be getting more and more ornery. The more people tell me not to do something, the more I want to do it. Kind of like latent oppositional defiant disorder rearing its ugly head, or maybe it's just me turning into an old mule. Anyways, with all these people telling me I shouldn’t go to Phuket  because it was ugly, tacky and seedy, well that did it for me, especially the ugly and tacky part. I happen to like ugly and tacky. I’ve always said that there is something alluring about ugliness and tackiness.

As a matter of fact, I was discussing with a friend of mine the other day the places I wanted to visit before I leave this planet for the afterlife, a bucket list of places to see before one last kick at that bucket. For me there are very few  places, Las Vegas, being one of them. I want to experience Las Vegas before I die, not for the gambling or it’s many infamous all-you-can-eat buffet troughs, but for the sheer and over the top tackiness of the place. I find tackiness rather amusing, if not down-right-laugh-out-loud entertaining. Supposedly even the tackiest of people who usually don’t recognize tackiness find Las Vegas tacky. 

So, Madeleine and I were off to Phuket a few weekends ago, Madeleine with the goal of splashing in the emerald green waters off the coast of Thailand, and I with the intent to satisfy my predilection for tackiness. Yes indeed, a fine couple we make the two of us.

Our traveling buddies - Brian and Hollie

We left a Friday afternoon after school, accompanied by our travelling buddies for the weekend, Hollie and Brian. Hollie is a colleague working at our school, and Brian, Hollie’s significant other, well, his current claim to fame is that he has recently been named Canada’s Top Stand-Up Comic. And if that isn't impressive enough, our two travelling troubadours just happened to be true blue pure-blood Newfoundlanders, the real, genuine, warm, fun-loving and funny to the core kind of Newfoundlanders. But then, aren't all Newfoundlanders real, genuine, warm, fun-loving and funny to the core?  Yes b'y! So it promised to be an interesting weekend, one perfect storm of a weekend consisting of lots of emerald green waters to splash in, tackiness galore to wallow in, all the while being kept in stitches by Canada’s Top Stand-Up comic who spoke a little Thai tinged with a subtle and most delectable newfinese accent. 

The weekend did not start well. Our one hour taxi ride to the airport to catch a one hour flight to Phuket turned into a 3.5 hour marathon trek due to the monsoon-like rainfall.  The usual we're-used-to-it-by-now Bangkok rush hour heavy traffic congestion turned into a Bangkok rush hour gridlock, causing us to arrive at the airport just under the 45 minute before scheduled flight departure flight regulation. Despite working my customary wit and charm, permeated with a heavy dose of Brians newfounnistic wit and humour, the sweet young 22-year-old thing at the ThaiLionAir check-in counter, although charmed and amused, would not bend the rules and let us through. However, she did inform us that for a small fee she could get us on a later flight, to which we did, the additional fee turning out to be the same as the initial cost of our fare. So much for wit, charm and humour. 

A few beers and Whoppers later, we were finally let on the plane, a mere three and half hours later than our initial departure time, plus another 40 minute delay due to the monsoon rains that had caused our tardiness also ended up keeping the crew of ThaiLion Air hostage on the roadway to the airport.  Those three hours waiting around the airport did pass well though; after all we were in Thailand, the planet's epicentre of Chill. 

Once on the plane, we kicked back and looked forward to a quiet, relaxing one hour flight before arriving at our tacky and seedy destination. Wrong. ThaiLion Air flight 271's passenger roster had its fair share of whiny and cranky kids, you know those two year old little people who have this knack of causing torment for all human existence around them.  By the time we reached Phuket, these little caca's did themselves proud in frazzling pretty well most of the passengers on that plane. But hey, here we were in Phuket, about to set foot on Thailand's largest paradise island!